I hate myself

Seriously.

Have you got any idea what it is like to have to put up with yourself, telling one part of you to shut up when it's really what you want to hear but you tell yourself have to resist thinking such thoughts to avoid embarrassment of other people just by THINKING them??? Or how you think, wanting to know the answer of life and complex mysteries of the human heart but at the same time want to clear your mind of the smothered feel it always has by these enquiries pressing down on you until you feel like you should be in a mental hospital???

That last one wasn't a joke. Nor was the first. But the last one was evil. Seriously. One of my best mates at schools says just me ASKING 'How do we know we exist, that it isn't all a hallucination?' makes her feel SICK, yet I ask myself that every single day!!!

And how you don't know how your heart works and your brain is telling you one thing, your heart another, your stomach churns when you see or hear from one person, yet you know you like this other one??? And how your affections are firing off at all tangents and you don't know who is who, barely, and you want to listen to your heart but your brain tells you not to and you want to listen to your brain but your heart tells you not to...??

AND ALL THE TIME you can't tell anyone, not a word of it, because you fear being ridiculed like your ex-best-friend did to you, so much that you can no longer trust a single soul, never again, whilst this maelstrom spins inside you, not knowing where to turn or what to do...

AND THEN you realise that even if you COULD trust someone, you could never tell them because your pride and reputation won't let you, and you fear being ridiculed at the best of times yet your reputation CANNOT allow you even the slightest feeling for ANYONE.

And still people's faces revolve around your mind in an eternal loop, what has transpired and why it did, analyzing your life and most of everyone else's until you're so bogged down you don't know where you started and can't stop thinking yet just want to REST from this unrelenting ONSLAUGHT that is your mind.

AND your God damned teachers STILL expect you to deal with homework and detentions and lessons...

No wonder I'm confused o_O

I should try meditation.

Hey, that would actually work.

Except, don't you have to be a Buddhist, and I really don't want to- CAN'T- be non-violent and loving everyone and stuff.

I can't love anyone anymore.

My life sucks.

Seriously.

Why am I even alive?

Maybe it's... to make the world special for our loved ones ( NON-EXISTENT!!!!!!!!!! ) and the future generations.

Except if that was true, WE are the future generation of the past, so we should be enjoying the world AND making it better for everyone else.

Except we can't enjoy it FULLY without travelling, and travelling means using planes and trains and cars... or walk, which would be exhausting.

But then, we'd be making the world worse by using those things, so it'd be WORSE for the people to come...

I give up.

SEE WHAT I MEAN??????? THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I'm doing, I mean. Seriously.










































My life is exhausting.

Sad Story

I don't know who wrote this, but I got it off of Tifameow's Blogs ^^

boy- i missed u at school 2day, y weren't u there?
girl- yeah, i had to go to the doctor.
boy- oh realy? y?
girl- oh nothin, annual shots, thats all.
boy- oh
girl- so wht did we do in math 2day?
boy- u didnt miss ne thing that great.......just lots of notes
girl- ok good
boy- yeah
girl- hey i have a question......
boy- ok, ask away
girl-........how much do u love me?
boy- u kno i love u more than anything
girl- yeah.....
boy- y did u ask?
girl-................>silence<..........
boy- is something wrong?
girl- no nothing at all
boy- good.
girl- ..............how much do u care about me?
boy- i would give u the world in a heartbeat if i could.
girl- u would?
boy- yeah.........of course i would >sounding worried< is there something wrong??
girl- no, everythings fine......
boy- are u sure?
girl- yeah.
boy- ok.......i hope so.
girl- ..............would u die for me?
boy- i would take a bullet for u anyday, hun
girl- realy?
boy- anyday. now seriously, is there something wrong???
girl- no im fine, ur fine, we're fine, everyones fine.
boy- ............ok
girl......................well i have to go ill c u 2morrow at school.
boy- alright, bye. I LOVE YOU.
girl- yeah, i love u 2, bye.
THAT NIGHT:
-ring-
-ring-
-ring-
girl- hello?
boy- hey
girl- oh, hi.
boy- y weren't u at school 2day?
girl- uh.......i had another doctor appointment.
boy- are u sick?
girl- ..................um i have 2 go, my mom's callin on my other line.
boy- ill wait.
girl- it may take a while, ill call u later.
boy-........alright, i love u hun.
very long pause<
girl- (with tear in her eye) look, i think we should break up.
boy- what???
girl- its the best thing for us right now.
boy- y????
girl- i love u.
click<
THE GIRL DOESNT COME TO SCHOOL FOR 3 MORE WEEKS, AND DOESNT ANSWER HER PHONE.
boy- hey dude
friend- hey
boy- whats up
friend- nothin, hey have u talked 2 ur ex lately?
boy- no
friend- so u didnt hear?
boy- hear what?
friend- um idk if i should be the one to tell u......
boy- dude, tell me
friend- uh....call this number....433-555-3468
boy- ok............
BOY CALLS NUMBER AFTER SCHOOL
-ring-
-ring-
-ring-
voice- hello, suppam county hospital, this is nurse beckam.
boy- uh.......i must have the wrong number, im looking for my friend.
voice- what is her name, sir?
(boy gives info)
voice- yes, this is the right number, she is one of our patients here.
boy- rele? y? what happened??? how is she???
voice- her room number is ..646, in building A, suite 3.
boy- WHT HAPPENED??!!!!
voice- plz come by sir and you can see her, goodbye.
boy- WAIT! NO!
*dial tone*
BOY GOES TO HOSPITAL, AND TO ROOM ..646, BUILDING A, SUITE 3. GIRL IS LYING IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
boy- omg are u ok??
girl- ..................
boy- sweetie!! talk to me!!
girl- i..........
boy- u what?? U WHAT???
girl- i have cancer and im on life support
boy- .....................>breaks into tears<......................
girl- they're taking me off 2night
boy- y??
girl- i wanted 2 tell u but i couldnt
boy- y didnt u tell me????
girl- i didnt want 2 hurt u.
boy- u could never hurt me
girl- i just wanted 2 c if u felt bout me as the same i felt bout u.
boy- ?
girl- i love u more than anything, i would give u the world in a heartbeat. i would die for you and take a bullet for you.
boy- ...........
girl- dont be sad, i love u n ill always be here w/u
boy- then y'd u break up w/me?
nurse- young man, visiting hours are over.
BOY LEAVES, GIRL IS TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT, AND DIES.
but wht the boy didn't kno is that the girl only asked him those questions so she could hear him say it one last time, and she only broke up w/him because she knew she only had 3 more weeks to live, and thought it would cause him less pain and give him time to get over her before she died.
NEXT DAY
the boy is found dead with a gun in his hand..with a note in the other...

THE NOTE SAID:i told her i would take a bullet for her....just like she said she would die for me...

Copy and paste this if you cried at this story. If u dont u dont have a heart...