I hate myself

Seriously.

Have you got any idea what it is like to have to put up with yourself, telling one part of you to shut up when it's really what you want to hear but you tell yourself have to resist thinking such thoughts to avoid embarrassment of other people just by THINKING them??? Or how you think, wanting to know the answer of life and complex mysteries of the human heart but at the same time want to clear your mind of the smothered feel it always has by these enquiries pressing down on you until you feel like you should be in a mental hospital???

That last one wasn't a joke. Nor was the first. But the last one was evil. Seriously. One of my best mates at schools says just me ASKING 'How do we know we exist, that it isn't all a hallucination?' makes her feel SICK, yet I ask myself that every single day!!!

And how you don't know how your heart works and your brain is telling you one thing, your heart another, your stomach churns when you see or hear from one person, yet you know you like this other one??? And how your affections are firing off at all tangents and you don't know who is who, barely, and you want to listen to your heart but your brain tells you not to and you want to listen to your brain but your heart tells you not to...??

AND ALL THE TIME you can't tell anyone, not a word of it, because you fear being ridiculed like your ex-best-friend did to you, so much that you can no longer trust a single soul, never again, whilst this maelstrom spins inside you, not knowing where to turn or what to do...

AND THEN you realise that even if you COULD trust someone, you could never tell them because your pride and reputation won't let you, and you fear being ridiculed at the best of times yet your reputation CANNOT allow you even the slightest feeling for ANYONE.

And still people's faces revolve around your mind in an eternal loop, what has transpired and why it did, analyzing your life and most of everyone else's until you're so bogged down you don't know where you started and can't stop thinking yet just want to REST from this unrelenting ONSLAUGHT that is your mind.

AND your God damned teachers STILL expect you to deal with homework and detentions and lessons...

No wonder I'm confused o_O

I should try meditation.

Hey, that would actually work.

Except, don't you have to be a Buddhist, and I really don't want to- CAN'T- be non-violent and loving everyone and stuff.

I can't love anyone anymore.

My life sucks.

Seriously.

Why am I even alive?

Maybe it's... to make the world special for our loved ones ( NON-EXISTENT!!!!!!!!!! ) and the future generations.

Except if that was true, WE are the future generation of the past, so we should be enjoying the world AND making it better for everyone else.

Except we can't enjoy it FULLY without travelling, and travelling means using planes and trains and cars... or walk, which would be exhausting.

But then, we'd be making the world worse by using those things, so it'd be WORSE for the people to come...

I give up.

SEE WHAT I MEAN??????? THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I'm doing, I mean. Seriously.










































My life is exhausting.