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rehtsethewriter
  1. The one problem with giving away all your LE's...
    20th Apr 2014 08:45
    11 years & 5 days ago
  2. <3 EEG- Thanks for participating!
    4th Apr 2014 10:36
    11 years & 21 days ago
  3. <3 EEG- FINAL EVENT- Angel Vixen and 500k Giveaway
    3rd Apr 2014 10:16
    11 years & 22 days ago
  4. <3 EEG: Event 3- Art Contest!
    2nd Apr 2014 10:30
    11 years & 23 days ago
  5. <3 EEG: Event 2- Draw! Giveaway!
    1st Apr 2014 09:56
    11 years & 24 days ago
  6. <3 EEG- WRITING CONTEST! Le/mp, item prizes!!
    31st Mar 2014 13:37
    11 years & 25 days ago
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    31st Mar 2014 08:30
    11 years & 25 days ago
  8. POST 1- EARLY EASTER GIVEAWAY (PREPERATION)
    30th Mar 2014 21:48
    11 years & 26 days ago
  9. 2013 Jack O Lantern Pictures
    31st Oct 2013 15:17
    11 years, 5 months & 23 days ago
  10. Greedy Gurtrude Log Attempt #2
    29th Sep 2013 21:11
    11 years, 6 months & 25 days ago
Opening Sentence (writing question)
12 years, 7 months & 15 days ago
8th Sep 2012 20:38

Hey there, I'm doing a rewrite and I'm having a really hard time coming up with an effective opening sentence. Every one on Mara is extremely helpful with my writing questions so I thought I would ask opinions on this opening sentence.
____

"The freedom, the thrill,the moment of awe-inspiring rebellion; it all ended with the spirit-crushing crunch of concrete biting into metal and glass."

____

So that's it. Do you like/hate it? Does it hook you? Is it too vague/ too detailed? Do you think it's too wordy? Is there a way you would rearrange/reword it? I've written and re-written it so many times that I no longer have the eye to critique it XD Oh and did I use the semi-colon properly?

Thanks in advance,

Rehtse

rehtsethewriter
thankyou very much
112 years, 7 months & 14 days ago 9th Sep 2012 07:58
 
I think it flies nicely. It really hooks me in ad well. Very nice.
112 years, 7 months & 15 days ago 8th Sep 2012 21:34
 
  1. The one problem with giving away all your LE's...
    20th Apr 2014 08:45
    11 years & 5 days ago
  2. <3 EEG- Thanks for participating!
    4th Apr 2014 10:36
    11 years & 21 days ago
  3. <3 EEG- FINAL EVENT- Angel Vixen and 500k Giveaway
    3rd Apr 2014 10:16
    11 years & 22 days ago
  4. <3 EEG: Event 3- Art Contest!
    2nd Apr 2014 10:30
    11 years & 23 days ago
  5. <3 EEG: Event 2- Draw! Giveaway!
    1st Apr 2014 09:56
    11 years & 24 days ago
  6. <3 EEG- WRITING CONTEST! Le/mp, item prizes!!
    31st Mar 2014 13:37
    11 years & 25 days ago
  7. <3Early Easter Giveaway Event Log *COME HERE*
    31st Mar 2014 08:30
    11 years & 25 days ago
  8. POST 1- EARLY EASTER GIVEAWAY (PREPERATION)
    30th Mar 2014 21:48
    11 years & 26 days ago
  9. 2013 Jack O Lantern Pictures
    31st Oct 2013 15:17
    11 years, 5 months & 23 days ago
  10. Greedy Gurtrude Log Attempt #2
    29th Sep 2013 21:11
    11 years, 6 months & 25 days ago