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rehtsethewriter
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Opinion on fight scene I wrote?
12 years, 7 months & 2 days ago
28th Feb 2012 20:01

Hello ,

So I am completely new with writing fight scenes and have trouble with the most basic stuff. I was just wondering if you would mind reading this excerpt (from a rough first draft) of a basic fight and maybe let me know what it needs, what's good, etc.

Thanks Smile



I put any reluctance behind me and run towards him. He stands his ground, until the last moment, and sends a left hook my way.
I side step but his strike finds my mouth. I stagger back and wipe the blood from my split lip with the back of my hand. He???s faster than I thought.
I throw a punch. He catches hold of my arm, brings it up over his shoulder and twists it. I cry out in pain, and am involuntarily sent back first into the uneven concrete.
???You are letting your emotions get in the way,??? he states firmly.

What is this, a lesson? I pull myself up, ignoring my screaming muscles and stiff joints. I shift my weight forward, plant my feet on the ground and wait.
He strikes left. I turn out of the way, and then drive my elbow into his stomach. He grunts, and backs up. Just as I think I???ve gained ground he grabs my abdomen with both arms and pushes me backwards a few feet. I lose my balance, grab for his arm, but miss. I fall back onto the metal bench, hitting the back of my head.
???Are we done yet???? he asks, panting as much as I am. I take a moment to catch my breath. This is impossible. I can barely touch him.


That's not the whole scene but it gives you an idea. Constructive criticism welcome. XD

I get what you mean. It definitely could use something more. I would love to see what you would add. Every bit helps Oh and do it whenever you can manage. I am heading off to bed now anyways.
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 21:17
 
Hmmm, I'm not sure. I think it is written quite well;; except I also think it is missing something of the sort. Everything flows - just. I think it could be slightly less choppy though. Add more detail to make it more realistic. More emotions to bring the story alive. More adjectives so I can actually visualize whats happening. Very vague advice - I can write some bits in for you after I've done my homework though. cx
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 21:07
 
made the changes
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:27
 
thanks I am absolutely awful with grammar so I appreciate when people point out my mistakes.


I'm glad you enjoyed it It was pretty difficult for me to write. To satisfy you're curiosity it is sort of a lesson. The man he is fighting is his father. The main character is sort of approaching it from a place of anger, while his father is calmly fighting him off. Almost patronizing him.
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:17
 
It filtered my Na.zi. c: Oops.
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:12
 
Well, till =/= until. So change till to until. c: It's not the shortened form (which is 'til). A comma after this in "What is this, a lesson?" Comma after ground. Lose instead of loose. No need for the capital H in "He asks,"

After attacking your grammatical errors, (sorry, I'm a bit of a when is comes to serious writing) I enjoyed the scene very much. c: Kind of interested to know if this is a lesson.
112 years, 7 months & 2 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:10
 
  1. The one problem with giving away all your LE's...
    20th Apr 2014 08:45
    10 years, 5 months & 11 days ago
  2. <3 EEG- Thanks for participating!
    4th Apr 2014 10:36
    10 years, 5 months & 27 days ago
  3. <3 EEG- FINAL EVENT- Angel Vixen and 500k Giveaway
    3rd Apr 2014 10:16
    10 years & 6 months ago
  4. <3 EEG: Event 3- Art Contest!
    2nd Apr 2014 10:30
    10 years, 6 months & 1 day ago
  5. <3 EEG: Event 2- Draw! Giveaway!
    1st Apr 2014 09:56
    10 years, 6 months & 2 days ago
  6. <3 EEG- WRITING CONTEST! Le/mp, item prizes!!
    31st Mar 2014 13:37
    10 years, 6 months & 2 days ago
  7. <3Early Easter Giveaway Event Log *COME HERE*
    31st Mar 2014 08:30
    10 years, 6 months & 3 days ago
  8. POST 1- EARLY EASTER GIVEAWAY (PREPERATION)
    30th Mar 2014 21:48
    10 years, 6 months & 3 days ago
  9. 2013 Jack O Lantern Pictures
    31st Oct 2013 15:17
    10 years & 11 months ago
  10. Greedy Gurtrude Log Attempt #2
    29th Sep 2013 21:11
    11 years & 1 day ago