Jokes



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tim?"
" My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just buried him".
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last piece of earth.
" Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."

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A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife "you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell One rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings and we're ready to go on the engines. "That's super dear" says his old lady. "From now on" continues the fire fighter "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell one I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell two I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell three we are going to have sex all night." So the next night the fireman comes home from work and yells "Bell one" and his wife takes of all her clothes. "Bell two" he shouts and she jumps into bed. "Bell three" he barks and they begin to have sex.. But after just a couple of minutes his wife yells "Bell four" "What???s this bell four?" the husband asks. "More hose" she replies "you're nowhere near the fire!"

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After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?' The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'

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A yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts screaming. "My son is choking" she cries, "He's swallowed the sixpence in the Christmas pudding. Please anyone help!" Without speaking a man stands up at a nearby table and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly he grips the boy by the gonads and squeezes. The boy coughs and out pops the coin. "Thank you so much" beams the relieved mother, "are you a paramedic?" "No" replied the man "I work for the inland revenue".

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Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."

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A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
" Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
" Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

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Old married couple and the husband is rummaging under the bed where he finds a cardboard box containing two eggs and five thousand pounds.
He goes downstairs to the wife and says, "I've just found this box under the bed with two eggs and five thousand pounds, what's going on?"
" Well" she says "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that box."
The old man weighs the situation up and thinks, "Two eggs after 50 years of marriage, I can forgive her that"
" O.K." he says and what about the five thousand pounds?"
" Well" she says, " every time I had a dozen, I sold them!!!!"

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Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very uncomfortable. In fact, I've done it 20 times since coming in'. The doc thinks for a minute then gives her a prescription. He tells her 'try taking these pills for a week then come back and see me'. A week later, Mrs Harris marches in, more embarrassed than ever. 'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever - and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.

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The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the woman.

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A secretary answers the phone in a busy office "Nottingham Parachute Club" she says There's a sharp intake of breath "Excuse me" says a man on the other end of the phone, obviously startled. "But don't you mean the Nottingham Prostitute club?" "Oh no sir" laughs the secretary "its definitely a parachute club" "Damn! Last week your salesman called and signed me for 2 jumps a week"

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A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Ladies and gentlemen' the man announces in a loud voice. 'I bet anyone here a pint of lager that my dog can talk'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to the bet and is amazed when the dog perches himself on the barstool and delivers a fascinating speech about the situation in Ireland. The barman says 'that's amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch can't go and get you a newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and says 'I want the change as well'. The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley - shagging a local Newths float my boat. 'Oi!' yells the man. 'You???ve never done this before!' to which the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.

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A rich man is away on business and phones home. The maid answers and he asks if he can speak to his wife. 'She's upstairs shagging her lover' the undiplomatic home-help replies. 'Right' the man says. 'Take out my shotgun and shoot them both'. The maid leaves, the mean hears two loud shots and she returns. 'What shall I do with the bodies?' she asks. The man replies 'take them out the back and dump them in the swimming pool'. 'What swimming pool?' asks the maid. 'That is 849 9698, isn't it?' the man asks.

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Sleeping beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom Thumb said "I must be the smallest person in the world" Quasimodo said "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world" They decided to go to the Guinness Book of Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "Its official I am the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant "I am officially the smallest person in the world" Sometime later Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time that produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? (Oh, crumbs, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen, thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony the chanting continues "fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very uncomfortable. In fact, I've done it 20 times since coming in'. The doc thinks for a minute then gives her a prescription. He tells her 'try taking these pills for a week then come back and see me'. A week later, Mrs Harris marches in, more embarrassed than ever. 'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever - and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.

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2 dwarfs win the lottery and so hire 2 prostitutes and 2 hotel rooms. Dwarf 1 tries all night to get an erection all he can hear from the next room is 'one ,two, three, huh!' this continues all night. The next morning, Dwarf 2 asks, 'so how did it go?' Dwarf 1 replies 'it was crap, I couldn't even get an erection. How was your night?' to which Dwarf 2 replies 'worse - I couldn't even get on the bed'.

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you Newths float my boats who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you Newths float my boats who are getting on, get your Newths float my boat in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are Newths float my boated off about the two hour delay, please see the c**t in the kitchen."


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A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show me your Barbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have Fashion Barbie at ??15.95, Vacation Barbie, also ??15.95, Housewife Barbie - that's ??15.95 too - and Divorcee Barbie, at ??215.95.' The man is astonished. 'Why's Divorcee Barbie so much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others to me.' 'Well, sir,' says the assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'

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"That's the best pig I've ever had. My son fell into the river and this pig dived in and dragged him out by his teeth saving his life."
" I see" says the man "but that doesn???t explain why the pig only has three legs."
The farmer replies "The other night there was a fire in the farm house, that pig ran over 2 miles to the fire station and brought back help, saved my house did that pig."
" That still doesn't explain why the pig is missing a leg" said the man.
" Well" said the farmer "If you had a pig that was so brilliant would you eat it all at once?"

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If you have a joke, you can Maramail me with it and I might put it here.