Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pt. II

II- A Guide to Classes and their Teachers, but Mostly the Teachers, Because They???re More Fun

Unless you are the improbable first year, you???re probably saying to yourself, ???I don???t need this! I already know everything I need to know about the teachers and classes!???

That???s where you???re wrong. For example, did you know that Professor Flitwick was once a Seeker for the Caerphilly Catapults? I didn???t think so. So shut up, smart-ass, and read. You might accidentally learn something.

Professor McGonagall

I know you???re all dying to hear some dirt on the big cheese, so I???ll just start with her.

Fact One: She dated You-Know-Who when they were in school.

Did you actually fall for that?! Merlin, you???re pathetic. I???ll give you two good reasons why that is ridiculous, insane, and???.I can???t say what I was going to say next because it wouldn???t be politically or morally correct. (But it wasn???t ???plausible.??? Just so you know.) One???Does she really look that old? I mean, I know we gave her some grey hairs (okay, a whole head full of ???em), but he???s a geezer compared to her! Two???Even Minnie???s not that desperate. I know this because she turned ME down. Now that???s willpower!
Fact Two (this one???s actually a fact): She failed her Transfiguration O.W.L. the first time and had to retake the class over the summer.

Yeah, crazy, I know. I didn???t believe it at first, either. Well, actually I did, but I wouldn???t have if she wasn???t under the influence of Veritaserum at the time.

Fact Three: At the end of every term, she goes to the Three Broomsticks with Professor Dumbledore and they get wasted together.

No, I did not make this up. I saw them at it. Don???t ask me the details; I Obliviated myself of them shortly after repairing my melted eyeballs.

A note about Transfiguration: It???s virtually impossible to sleep, pass notes, or be generally inattentive. Minnie???s got the eyes of a hawk, senses of a shark, and PMS of a woman.

Professor Flitwick

Before you ask, the Seeker thing is real. We were doing Cheering Charms one day, and someone hit him by mistake and he started telling us all these great stories about his youth (you know, the days when they walked to school; rain, sleet, snow, shine, or frogs, uphill both ways???) .

Fact One (two, technically, but who???s counting?): Rita Skeeter, that charming young lady, once said that there???s more cotton in his brain than in the entire country of Egypt.

This is one thing that I???m going to have to go with her on. If you???ve ever spoken to the bloke, you???ll know what I mean.

Fact Two: He once stole Slughorn???s crystallized pineapple. Slughorn never found out who did it.

I saw it on his desk after ol??? Sluggy was putting up notices for it. Yes, that???s right???he put up notices for pineapple. Sometimes I wonder about him???

Fact Three: He can???t sleep without a bedtime story, a glass of milk, and having been tucked in.

This was another thing he told our class under the influence of the strangely powerful Cheering Charm. A word to the wise: you might want to accidentally-on-purpose perform this charm on anyone you want some blackmail material for. It works splendidly, and you can???t even get docked points for it.
A note about Charms: As long as you eventually attempt the spell, he doesn???t really care whether or not you spend the rest of the class doing other homework, catching up on sleep, and talking. This is one of the few classes in which this is the case.

Professor Slughorn

Everyone???s favorite: the little Potions professor short and stout! Let???s see what secrets he has to pour out???

I fully acknowledge that that was extremely lame. I would have you punch me if this wasn???t written in a book.

Fact One: When he made his Felix Felicis, he brewed it wrong and it has the effects of a rare illegal drug.

Of course, when I heard this I just had to nick some and find out. Let me tell you, it???s no wonder he had ???two perfect days.??? He was too stoned to remember the bad bits.

Fact Two: He once Transfigured his girlfriend into crystallized pineapple and ate her.

And we wondered why he???s still single.

A note about Potions: Don???t screw up. Sluggy sometimes makes you taste your potion to see if it worked, and there???s only a slight difference between a Shrinking Solution and a Stinking Solution. Just remember, close only counts in Divination and Dungbombs.

Professor Hynemann

At the rate we???ve been going through DADA teachers, this might not apply to you anymore, and not at all to the hypothetical first year. But since she???s all I have to work with now, I???ll write some secrets about her. There???s not as many though, sorry, but she hasn???t been here as long as everyone else.

Fact One: The reason she wears bunny slippers all the time is not, as she likes to pretend, because they were permanently stuck to her feet by a Death Eater who snuck up on her in the middle of the night. It is because she feels ???safer??? with them on.

How pathetic is that? She???s supposed to be teaching us how to defend ourselves, and she resorts to fuzzy slippers for protection? Why do I not feel so good about my education????
Fact Two: She also stole some of Slughorn???s crystallized pineapple, and also was not caught.

There seems to be a bit of a trend with going on with the pineapple, doesn???t there? I might have to get some myself, because apparently it???s delicious.
A note about Defense Against the Dark Arts: Hynemann is one of those teachers that thinks she???s hilarious. If you laugh at her ???a warlock, banshee, and dragon all walked into a bar??? joke, you will permanently ruin your reputation. Even if you???re just trying to be nice.

Professor Binns

I have nothing for this bloke. He is boring as hell.

That???s pretty much all of the major subjects. Since my attention span is slightly less than that of a maggot, I won???t go into the electives. Besides, the sections get better as they go along.