Mischief-Making for Dummies: Introduction & Pt. I

This is MY ORIGINAL FANFICTION. If anyone steals it, they might find their life span a bit shorter than the average.

Introduction

Allow me to make a few assumptions about you. Firstly, I assume that you are not a goody-two-shoes, considering that I hid this handbook in one of the secret passages out of the school. This is good, because it means that you will see this as the wonderful gift that it is, not contraband that needs to be turned in to a teacher immediately.

Secondly, I assume that you are not in first year. If you are, congratulations. I myself didn???t find this passage until midway through second year.

Thirdly, I assume that you are not a Slytherin. This I know for a fact is true, because I put a spell on this book so that it doesn???t open for Slytherins or teachers. That???s just how tricky I am.

Now that I know you, I???d like to introduce myself. My name is Sirius Black. I am currently in my seventh year, although by the time you???re reading this, I???ll be gone. Unless by some fluke you are a first year, you???ll know that I am a Marauder; or, a master of the art of pranking, jokes, and general mayhem.

One day, while turning Snivellus???s underwear pink, a thought struck me before I had time to block it out and carry on in blissful brainlessness. This thought was: What will Hogwarts come to when we???re gone?

Naturally, I was disturbed to think that peace may have a chance of reigning at the old school next year (this year, for you), so I came up with a solution. The book you hold in your hands now is the one-and-only, official, Marauder-approved handbook to all things unlawful. And you???d better put it to good use.

I- A Brief List of Unwritten, Highly Breakable Hogwarts Rules

In general, it???s most profitable to think of rules as ???guidelines.??? (Except for the one about not putting your wand in your back pocket???not only is there absolutely nothing to be gained by breaking it, but you run the risk of losing one or both buttocks, which I???ve heard is not pleasant.)

Here is a list of some rules that you will not find among school records, and which can most definitely be broken to one???s best advantage.

1. Library books do not make good kindling.
2. Broom closets are for brooms only, no matter how convenient they are.
3. We do not get the day off for Kwanzaa, Passover, Peanut Butter Awareness Day, Albanian Independence Day, etc.
4. If it involves whipped cream, an unwary first year, and a squirrel, you are not allowed to do it.
5. Sugar Quills are not ???brain food.???
6. You are not allowed to ask the Muggle Studies teacher if she has a college education.
7. Hogwarts is not a cult, and we are not being brainwashed.
8. You are not allowed to hit on Professor McGonagall.
9. Nobody is allergic to parchment.
10. You are not allowed to start an organization that campaigns for house elves??? rights, especially if the initials of the name of aforementioned organization spell out a word relating to one of the more repulsive bodily functions.

There you are, Hogwarts in a nutshell. I could???ve gone on for longer, but I said it???d be a brief list. Take it as a mark of my charitable personality that I didn???t actually lie to you. This time.