Lessons in Life

All my friends laugh at my weird stories and say I should write them down before I forget them since I've done a lot of things no one else has. This is a list of things that are all amazingly possible for a stupid girl with silly friends and two imaginative cousins, along with some sage advice:

1. Eating spaghetti through a straw is one of the fastest ways to choke.

2. It is just barely possible for two 100lbs beings to cross the top of a seven foot tall, thirty foot long hedge and survived without falling in.

3. It IS possible for a two yearold beagle to pull a 100pound girl on rollerblades all the way inside a dense hedge using only a leash, his traction on pavement, and his will to get a tennis ball that was cleverly thrown into the hedge in the first place.

4. Cats actually can swim.

5. Beagles chasing cats into swimming pools can't.

6. Beagles like the taste of candle wax.

7. Beagles and windows should not be used in the same sentance.

8. Despite some parent's beliefs- beagles are very good at catching small birds when angry.

9. Mascara only makes a good 'Ninja Mask' until you want to get it off.

10. Carpets don't like Cheetos.

11. TV screens are actually more durable than some of the bones in the average human hand.

12. Reallife teachers really do jump the same way the cartoon ones do when tacs are placed on their chairs.

13. Teachers don't like tacs.

14. One tac and a bad track record is more than enough to get an 8 yearold suspended.

15. Chewed up paper and eraser fragments work 10x better than spit balls when blown through straws.

16. Teachers don't like chewed up paper and erasers either.

17. Rulers, erasers, and a freshly waxed floor in a narrow hallway make for a really sweet ruler hockey game. (at least it beats class now doesn't it?)

18. School bathroom soap mixed with water works a lot better than the silly soap water that comes with bubble blowers at the dollar store.

19. Teachers don't like bubbles.

20. Digging up the 'mummified chickens' from the grade 7's Egypt unit is not a smart idea.

21. Leave a yearold mummified chicken in a principles office for 3 days makes a big impact- even when you don't take it out of it's box.

22. Teachers don't like mummified chickens.

23. Food colouring stains skin- enough said.

24. Teachers don't like it when you spill an entire bottle of yellow food colouring.

25. Yellow skin is NOT as fun as it looks on the Simpsons.

26. People WILL stare at you- no matter how many times you come to the mall with a bag of candy and viberate in the massage chairs all day.

27. Massage chairs have a definite effect on one's equilibrium after more than 3 hours use.

28. Piercing your own ears is NEVER a good idea.

29. No, it's never good to do a cartalige peircing over a blood vein.

30. Cartalige peircing hurts a lot more than regular ear peircing.

31. French Fries are not meant to be soaked in vinigar- no matter how much you're paid to try it.

32. Ketchup chugging is a talent- don't join ketchup chugging contests with anyone who's done it before.

33. Ketchup should never be mixed with any sort of dessert.

34. Sugarhappy people must always stay away from friends with cameras and facebook- always.

35. If you don't have facebook- guess what? Chances are almost everyone else at your school does.

36. People have a long memory when it comes to facebook pictures.

37. Some Kindergartners truly believe they have the authority to officiate weddings- take them seriously- don't ever play along and say 'I do'.

38. Kindergartners don't like having their authority questioned- always stay out of Kindergarten areas- the movie 'Recess' wasn't an exageration.

39. An egg falling at the speed of gravity- dropped from three stories up really will hurt if it hits you on the head.

40. Dried up egg is extremely hard to get out of your hair and will leave a funny shiny spot in your hair for at least a week- no matter how many times you shower.

41. Some people will honestly answer your questions in their sleep- take advantage of all your sleepovers.

42. Some people get really mad when they find out you talked to them while they slept.

43. Some people can get mad in their sleep and despite the fact that they're unconcious- can still pack a punch AND have good aim.

44. Some people just don't get it when you tell them siphoning the air out of their air matress was only a joke.

45. The funny liquid inside glowsticks will stick to your skin and make you glow. Green glowstick liquid also leaves a very funny layer of colour on a person's face. It's also only noticeable to that person if they bother to look in a mirror that morning.

46. People don't like it when no one tells them they have glowstick crap all over their face.

47. Shoes don't like swimming pools.

48. Doorknobs don't like bug spray.

49. Some perfumes are strong enough to peel paint.

50. Some camps have inforced strong no pranking rules that ban glowsticks, people in the swimming pool area after dark, bug spray near cabin doors, and all kinds of perfume.

51. People will ALWAYS stare at you when you skip down hallways.

52. Panic buttons on car keys shouldn't be pressed for fun.

53. Most History teachers don't find it fun when you hand in a report on a famous person with the opeing line, "_____ was born at a very young age."

54. Not everyone understands the thrill of cerealbox light-up spoons and some people will stare at you for using one in a high school cafiteria.

55. Most Phys. Ed. teachers will get annoyed if you pause on a timed run to eat blackberries- no matter how good the blackberries were or how close to they were to the path you were running on.

Those are all the ones I have time to add today- I'll add more later on- hope I could make you laugh at least a little =)