Writing entry Thing



Lily was eighteen when she had her heart broken. She had always hoped somewhere in the back of her mind that she and Jackson would be able to be together once more after the trust was built back up. But she felt her already tattered heart rip a little more when Jackson refused to even acknowledge her any more.

She knew that this time, it was all her fault. Jackson had reached out, and Lily had bit him. The brunette choked back the lump in her throat as she tried to swallow that reality. She and Jackson were never going to be, and the sooner she got that through her thick skull, the sooner she could move on. But it was just so hard, seeing the love of her life every day, being able to reach out and touch him, but having to withhold because she knew that they couldn't be together. And it was all because of her.

She slumped back in her chair, staring at the back of Jackson's head. His raven black hair, which Lily knew was as soft as it looked, seemed duller than usual, but she just assumed that it was the lighting. She subconsciously reached forward, but stopped herself mere centimeters from the raven's hair. What was she doing? She swiftly pulled her hand back, and did a discreet glance around to see if anyone was watching. When no one stood up and yelled at her, she let out a sigh of relief, and went back to her work.

That Friday, she was shocked when Jackson turned around in his chair and faced her. The brunette sucked in a breath as she took in the weariness and sadness in Jackson's face. There were deep bags under the elder's eyes, his lips were pale and chapped, and his hair was un-glossy and unkempt. Lily reached out, again out of habit and concern mixed with lingering affection, and laid her hands on Jackson's cheeks. Dull black eyes met her own, and Lily felt her heart sink.

"What have you been doing to yourself?" She whispered, her eyes searching the other's for some explanation. Jackson tried to look away, but Lily's grip on his face tightened and she forced the older male to look at her. "Answer me, Jackson." She growled, her motherly instincts making her worry and fret over the raven as if they had never left each other. An overused lower lip was caught between two sets of white teeth before Jackson seemingly got the courage to speak.

"I love you Lily... And it kills me so much that I do, and it's salt to the open wound that it was because of my stupid actions that I lost you... And I'm so tired of hating myself, for hating my parents, for blaming them... And I hate the fact that you are so in control of your emotions that this won't affect you at all!" He snapped, and shook his head violently. "I have to go... I can't stand this any more... I love you." With that, he stood, and left the room, leaving a stricken and silent Lily sitting alone.

Monday came and passed without any trace of Jackson, and although he was absent, Lily wasn't too horribly worried. Before, when the raven was stressed or upset about something, he would often skip school. But after almost two weeks of not seeing the raven, and with graduation a mere week away, Lily really began to worry. So after debating very heatedly with herself, she decided to go visit Jackson at his house and talk like the adults they were.

That afternoon, Lily went straight to Jackson's house, and took a deep breath to calm herself before knocking. A few moments passed before Jackson's mother opened the door. Lily gave the petite lady a small smile, but she was not expecting the hostility in her eyes. The look she gave her made her feel like she was a convicted murderer, not her son's (ex) best friend. She gulped, but before she could say anything, an envelope was shoved into her chest.

"Don't come back here again." His mother said, and then slammed the door in her face. She gripped the paper as she stood there, absolutely shocked and confused. She looked down at the crisp envelope, and when she saw Jackson's messy handwriting, she swallowed, and turned to leave. She wondered what the raven could have wrote to her about, but she went home first, and locked herself in her room before she had enough guts to open it.

"To my Beloved,

I was thinking the other day, and I was brought back to when I confessed to you. Do you remember what I told you? Well, I do... Here, I'll write it down, just to refresh your memory.

"They all remind me of you, Lily Hewitt. They all have something in common with You. Maybe it's the way they look at me, or the way their hair blows just so in the wind, or even the way they say my name, but they look at me, and all I can see is you. I try so hard to have the right feelings, you know? The feelings that a boy is supposed to have for his girlfriend. But no matter how hard I try to like a Shelly, I just can't. The only person my heart pulls me toward is you. I don't want the girls with the perfect figure, or hairstyle, or clothes. I want you, and I can't even be sorry for wanting you so bad."

I don't know about you, but when I was saying this to you, I felt like I was going to pass out. I was so nervous that you would reject me, that the looks that I had caught you giving me were not what I thought they were. I was so frightened that I would lose you over my feelings, which I had been raised to think were wrong. And when you just stood there looking so shocked and so kissable, I took a leap of courage, and I just had to taste your lips, even if it was just that once.

And I remember feeling my heart sink when you didn't respond to it, but then you did, and you were kissing me back, and I couldn't believe it. You dang near drove me crazy when you put my hand on your chest and told me that I was the cause of your heart racing so fast. It was so strange, yet so wonderful, to know that you wanted me in return... I had never been happier. I loved you so much that it was a physical pain, and just to know that you wanted me in the same way... It made me fall so much deeper in love with you.

And our first date was so simple, but yet held so much meaning. You have no idea how many times I had dreamed of us going out and sharing a banana smoothie and ice cream. I began to wonder if I was trapped in some sort of dream where I had everything I had ever wanted. And if it was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. Everything was wonderful.

Well, until the night that my parents found out about us. It happened so fast that I never saw it coming. About a week before you invited me to spend the night with you, my father burst into the room and dragged me downstairs. He was furious, and so was my mother. They demanded that I fix myself, and said that if I continued to date you, they would kick me out. Not only that, but they would take my name out of everything, their wills, the family bible, the family register. They refused to accept that they had me for a son, or that I'd even dream of dating someone from another race like you.

I was so terrified and upset that I agreed. But I couldn't bear to tell you the truth, even though I knew I would have to. I played around with the idea of telling them that we had broken up and then continue to meet you in secret, but I didn't know how they had found out the first time, and I couldn't risk losing my family. And so, when it came time for me to spend the night at your house, I was resigned to the fact that I would have to tell you it was over...

But when you kissed me after yanking me in, I couldn't say the words. Like, I literally couldn't, seeing as my lips were busy kissing you. My heart swelled with love for you, but anxiety and guilt were heavy in my stomach. I didn't know how to speak the words that needed to be said.

It wasn't until we were laying on your couch that my horrible lie formed in my head. I knew how much it would kill you, but I thought it would be better for you to hate me, and so I went through with it. I told you those horrendous lies about how you weren't pretty enough, that you weren't my type and that the only reason I was even with you was because my friends wanted to see how fast I could score with you. And every word was a bitter poison because it was untrue.

God, I have nightmares about how I made you cry out in heartbreak as I was so callous and horrible to you... And then when I managed to calmly deliver my lie, and you started crying, I wanted to wrap you in my arms and tell you the truth, but I couldn't, because I was a coward.

I couldn't even look at you without wanting to hit myself for putting that look on your face, and the brokenness that was in your voice chilled me to the bone and was like a bullet tearing through my heart. I knew right then that I had succeeded in pushing you away, permanently. And as much as it killed me to walk out of the room and leave you, I forced myself to, knowing that I had hurt you much more than I was hurting, and I convinced myself that you would be better if I left.

I really am not a brave person. I can act like it. I can talk the talk and walk the walk, but when it came to facing my parents, my love for you wasn't strong enough for me to push them away. And it made me so angry that I couldn't. I spent every single day regretting that I hadn't just told you the truth. I knew that you would have understood and that we could have worked something out.

But I couldn't imagine things being that easy. I took the rough road that ended up not only destroying myself, but you as well. That was my biggest regret. I wish that I could take your pain and make you happy. I wish that I could be the one that would love you for the rest of your life.

And when we talked at our special place, I was at my crossroads. I was done living by my parents choices, but it had taken me that long to realize that losing you was not worth staying in the bible. I knew that if you would agree to, I would run away with you. But I was naive to think that you would take me back so easily. Of course you wouldn't trust me after what I did to you.

When we talked a while later, I lost it. It felt like I was the only one that cared. It was like laying down on daggers seeing how seemingly unaffected you were after our talk. I guess I just lost hope that you would ever take me back... And now there is no chance of us happening ever again.

After that, I went home. I couldn't stand acting like the perfect boy my parents wanted anymore. I had lost the one person who I cared for, and so I screamed at them, telling them right then and there that I wasn't like them, that I never would be like them, and that you were the love of my life, even though I wasn't that way anymore to you...

Before they could respond, I went up to my room, and locked myself in there. I started writing this letter to you. And you know what, if you've received this, that means that I succeeded. And by now, you know what I'm going to do... God, I wish I could hold you in my arms one last time. Just know, Lily Hewitt, you are the light of my life, and the only person who I've ever truly loved. If you never can bring yourself to forgive me, I'll understand. But no matter what, ill be waiting for you... Until we see each other again in the afterlife.

I love you so much, and farewell.

Jackson Riff."

Lily finished reading, her tears dripping down onto the paper, melding with the preexisting ones that were from Jackson. Sobs racked her body as she doubled over, her heart not able to hold up with the emotional onslaught that it was being put through. She clutched the letter to her chest as it heaved to try to draw air into her lungs. She felt like she wanted to scream, to throw things, to cry until she drowned.

She grabbed the rabbit that Jackson had won for her at the country fair that he had taken her to only days before the crash and burn of their relationship. Everything had been so happy then. How had everything changed so fast? She clutched the rabbit even tighter, her arms shaking from how tightly she was squeezing it.

She had thought she knew what true agony was, but she had been wrong, so, so very wrong. She felt like her entire world had been wrenched out from beneath her, and every part of her felt like it was being stabbed with knives. She slammed her fist into the stuffed animal, repeating the emotion. The tears dripping down her cheeks began to soak the bed beneath her. She curled up into a tight ball, the paper crinkling as she clutched it as tightly as she was clutching the rabbit.

No. No. This had to be wrong. Jackson couldn't be dead. No. No. No. The chorus of No's echoed in her head like a sick joke. It wasn't possible; Jackson would never do anything like this. No. This had to be a dream. Lily smacked the sides of her face, trying to wake up. When that didn't work, she pinched herself, wincing at the sharp pain. But still, she wouldn't accept that this could be real. She had to he dreaming.

Lily gasped for breath, and dragged herself over to her cell phone, which was laying uselessly on her nightstand. She yanked it and dialed the number which was burned into her mind. The brunette knew that Jackson would answer his cell phone. He always did. "Sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected-" Lily hung her phone up, and tried again, only to receive the same message.

Wide eyes stared at the mobile device in her shaking hand before it clattered to the ground. A haunted wail filled the room, and Lily wept as she accepted the reality that her best friend, the one person she loved, was dead.

---

"No, no, no, no, Jack...son..." The brunette girl thrashed around on the couch before slowly opening her eyes. She blinked, her mind trying to wake up and figure out where she was. Tear welled in her eyes as she recalled what she thought was just a horrible dream.

"JACKSON!" Lily wailed, terror shooting ice through her veins. She tried to get up, but the blanket that had been on her lap tangled around her legs, and she crashed to the floor.

"Lily?" A familiar voice called out, and Lily's chest heaved with relief when she heard that welcome sound. "Lily, love, are you alright?" And then Jackson was kneeling next to her, concern written all over his features.

"Yes, yes," the girl clung to him, wrapping him in a huge hug as tears dripped down her cheeks, "nothing more than a horrible dream..." She whispered. "Just a dream..."