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dreamybanana

Activity Log

My novel's website!

29th Dec 2009 11:28

15 years ago

Darkness (Poem)

2nd Aug 2009 10:13

15 years, 4 months & 27 days ago

I wanna get published! List

6th Jul 2009 08:19

15 years, 5 months & 24 days ago

Corrupt (poem)

1st Jun 2009 10:10

15 years, 6 months & 28 days ago

Destina Park// Opening Scene

29th May 2009 03:10

15 years, 7 months & 1 day ago

Hey! Are you a writer?

11th May 2009 12:48

15 years, 7 months & 18 days ago

dreamybanana 9 Comments

Darkness (Poem)

15 years, 4 months & 27 days ago

2nd Aug 2009 10:13

I wrote this for a marapet writing contest. What do you think?

Darkness

My lips as the line
Not one smile has kissed
By I've licked the blade
The taste of salt not iron

No more
ups and downs
Like the edge of a saw
Each new life line slashed
and I can't breath
no more

Is it your jealousy I stir?
No need for anguish
The light does not want me
Of that, I am sure
See these wings?
They were meant for darkness

And with the happiness
My cold soul static
It's throat exposed
Waiting
Vunerable and shallow
And I am on edge

I know
The silent agony of love
And I breathe
The cold exhale as broken
And now i ask-
Is it not enough
that my tears run scarlet?
Passionate
Lust your mistress could not comprehend
Which I 'choose' not to end

So here I am
in the path of darkness,
Already lost
by the time you read this.

Thanks. The first stanza is actualy to create the contrast of pace, and to introduce ideas of passion, depression, self harm (but emotional, as she tastes tears not iron, blood)

It's actually my favourite, but a little complex. Prphaps you someone could explain the problem with it to me.

14 years, 11 months & 15 days ago

12th Jan 2010 13:31

Cool! I love it.

I know
The silent agony of love
And I breathe
The cold exhale as broken
And now i ask-
Is it not enough
that my tears run scarlet?
Passionate
Lust your mistress could not comprehend
Which I 'choose' not to end.

That is my fave part but:

My lips as the line
Not one smile has kissed
By I've licked the blade
The taste of salt not iron

I have to agree does not go very well but its still gr8.

14 years, 11 months & 16 days ago

12th Jan 2010 09:28

Awesome!

The first verse doesn't go very well though.

14 years, 11 months & 17 days ago

10th Jan 2010 12:31

Cool your a writer?
I'm gonna be one...
I like your poem but parts of the first verse don't seem write.

15 years & 23 days ago

5th Dec 2009 18:47

Thanks. It nice to hear some good comments

15 years & 28 days ago

1st Dec 2009 10:03

I love this your awsome at writing poems and so am i but yours are so much better

15 years, 1 month & 25 days ago

2nd Nov 2009 11:58

It's the kind you either love or hate, I get that thx.

Somehow I got good reviews on a writing site for it, and they never review, let alone good.

15 years, 4 months & 25 days ago

4th Aug 2009 05:36

Not one of your best, don't really like the first two verses. I don't get what you mean by the lips as the line. The second one starts better, but the ending isn't kinda meh.

Third verse is very good, don't think you really need that comma there though

Fourth verse third line should be its I think

It's a little bit too fragmentary for my liking, but it's not bad

verse 5 is kinda long in comparison with the others, and bloody/scarlet tears are kinda clich??. If I were you I'd delete half on this verse and rewrite

Last one is again pretty good.

15 years, 4 months & 25 days ago

3rd Aug 2009 13:52