A bunch of funny stuff

1. Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
2. What???s another word for synonym?
3. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
4. If Barbie is so popular, then why do we have to buy her friends?
5. What happens if you get scared half to death??? twice?
6. If you can???t repair the brakes, make the horn louder.
7. ???Everything has a purpose", she said for no reason at all.
8. I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a disc somewhere???
9. What is a "free gift?" Aren't gifts already free?
10. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
11. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
12. Before they invented "drawing boards" what did they go back to?
13. Chaos, panic & disorder...My work here is done.
14. Don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink.
15. Hard work never hurt anybody, but why even take the chance?
16. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, then I ain't going.
17. Fall in love? I'd rather fall in chocolate.
18. Friends don't set friends on fire.
19. ???Operator! Quick, give me the number for 911!!???
20. Canyouhelpmefixthespacebaronmykeyboard?
21. Whatdoesthatlongbaratthebottomofmykeyboarddo?
22. Never raise your hand to your kids; it leaves your lower half unprotected.
23. I wonder how deep the ocean would be, without sponges.
24. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
25. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
26. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and don't say it.
27. There are 3 types of people in this world- those who can count and those who can't.
28. Before you criticize someone- walk a mile in their shoes. That way if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
29. I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friend wouldn't talk to me???
30. He broke my heart; I broke his PS3. Who do you think cried harder?
31. If you make something idiot-proof, He will make better idiots.
32. Life is not a Game.
33. I swear to drunk I'm not God.
34. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
35. Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
36. Sticks and stones may... Oh, gosh he has a gun!
37. You say plz because it's shorter than please, I say no because it's shorter than yes.
38. The voices in my head are telling me that I'm not crazy!
39. You're just jealous that the voices are talking to me and not you.
40. My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems
41. I'm so rich, even the bags under my eyes are Gucci.
42. Of course I'm out my mind, it's dark and scary in there.
43. Don't hit kids, no seriously don???t, they have guns now.
44. I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it?!!
45. We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of SMART!
46. 100% of people who ate carrots in 1820 are now dead.
47. My mommy says I look cute with a FOR SALE sticker on my forehead....
48. When love fails, go shopping. You can always return what you don't want.
49. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
50. Marahome 15000 mps, Bed 1200 mps, Rug 1000 mps. Keeping you busy with this siggie: PRICELESS
51. Just try to lick your elbow while I'm gone.
52. I'm walking my goldfish. Be right back.
53. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
54. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
55. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
56. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
57. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
58. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
59. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
60. I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
61. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
62. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
63. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
64. Welcome to the ool...notice there's no P? Let???s keep it that way.
65. If a picture is worth a 1000 words, then why can't we judge a book by its cover?
66. Didn't I dissect you in biology class?
67. Eagles may soar high but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
68. Paris Hilton died in a volcano. That???s Hot!
69. When life gives you lemons throw them back and scream for cupcakes.
70. Kids like dinosaurs...unfortunately dinosaurs also like kids.
71. I thought I found my knight in shining armor! Too bad he was just a dork in tin foil.
72. Elmo watches you when you sleep. Don't let him get you.
73. Report happies are to Spam boards as moths are to lights
74. A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a really good friend would sit next to you and say, "Wasn't that fun?"
75. Put this in your siggy if you've ever pushed a door that says pull.
76. I run with safety scissors.... It makes me feel dangerous
77. Don't tell me to get a life. I'm a gamer. I have TONS of lives.
78. I shall rule the world!! It will be a small world but it will be the world!!
79. Honey, if your going to be two-faced, then at least make one of them pretty.
80. Guess who's me at Paris Hilton's funeral:

81. NEVER say hi to your friend Jack on an airplane.
82. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long, long journey.
83. I can resist everything except temptation.
84. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
85. Sweetie, the only fan you have is the one on your ceiling. O.o Burn!
86. You need to learn not to interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
87. I was standing in the park, wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.
88. I am a princess. I have class. Touch my crown, and I'll kick your butt.
89. I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, came up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You???re next" "You???re next". Well they stopped doing it when I started to do it to them at funerals.
90. Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
91. I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
92. If they say TV's so bad for you then why do they have one in every hospital room?
93. Rather be one in a million than one of a million.
94. Bow down to my queenly queenliness.
95. Someday, my prince will come...
96. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
97. You laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same.
98. A person who never made a mistake never made anything.
99. A Queen is never late; everyone else is simply early.
100.Stand up for what it right even if you're standing alone.
101. Why glow when you can shine?
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Learn Chinese in 10 Minutes

Please do not get offended by this.

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

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How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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