wered funny

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said werent in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would! hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me theres a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR WIFE-RESPONSE

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps! in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:


The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

next joke

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his pen**. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his pen**, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the pen** around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damned things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat."